Loving Relationships:  Forward into the Past
Those who cannot remember the past
are condemned to repeat it.
- (George Santayana, “Reason in Common Sense”)

In June’s issue, our first article addressed wellness and loving relationships in general. But what about the role of our past relationships? Few issues in modern psychology have been the topic of as much debate as the role of one’s past – especially on how one functions today and how well adjusted one may be in the future. Such questions are particularly salient when dealing with loving relationships. Are we destined to carry the baggage of past relationships into every new one? If not, how can we learn from our mistakes and profit from them, achieving ever better relationships and growing from experience? Our position with respect to the role(s) played by one’s past on present and future relationships lies somewhere between these two extremes.

Few practicing counselors will deny that certain past experiences have shaped who we are today. This is especially true of highly emotionally-charged experiences such as trauma. For example, neuroscience has shown that trauma can permanently change the brain in significant ways and may result in problems ranging from mild generalized anxiety to the inability to function. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) also lies on this continuum. On the other hand, achieving mental stability and healthy functioning, especially in loving relationships, relies on escaping the pull of past experiences and learning to choose new, more effective behavior patterns and making wise choices, based not on the comfort of familiarity but on what one knows, in one’s heart and head, to be the right thing to do. People who blame their inability to function on their past and think they can never overcome it, will live a life of self-fulfilling prophecies in which their beliefs come true only because they insist on believing them. One of the great traps people fall into is seeking out partners whose behavior is familiar and predictable, even if it’s unhealthy and the last thing they might consciously choose had they been aware of their underlying motivations. This is seen, sadly, in what must be understood as among the most troubling areas in which the “pull of the past” exerts a negative force: the tendency of victims of abusive relationships to recycle those relationships.

So how do we learn from our past relationships without becoming trapped by (or in) them? By sharing and processing knowledge about our past with our partner. The two pillars that support this process are trust and honesty. Every couple that wants to stay together must eventually agree to learn about and accept their partner’s past, for it cannot be changed. Each partner must also must have grounds to trust that they will be not be punished by their counterpart for their honesty. The worst thing a lover can do is use entrusted information against their partner to hurt them. In healthy and functional loving relationships, both individuals share, process, understand and grow from each other’s pasts.

Finally, we think it wise to remember that since we believe our parents were our primary teachers, it also is important to remember that if or when they have children of their own, they also become primary teachers. The recording artist John Mayer delightfully put this to music in the song “Daughters” with the lyrics:

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Til next time… Bill & Bill

William G. Emener (Department of Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling, Univ. of South Florida, Tampa) and William A. Lambos (Cognitive Neuro Sciences, Inc., (CNS), Tampa, FL)  are colleagues at the University of South Florida and co-authors of My Loving Relationships.