The GOOD ENOUGH Match

By Jim Bierman PhD

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Realizing that our relationship isn’t perfect but “good enough” is not the same thing as “settling.” To me, settling means there’s a part of you that’s impatient, a part that sadly believes this is all you deserve, a part that thinks that the lover of your dreams is either pure fantasy or already taken by someone else. I know some people settle because they’re desperate to be with someone, or to leave home, or to have a baby.

But when Brad and I decided to get married, it wasn’t about settling. We had a long enough engagement so that we both realized we could be really happy with each other, that together we could learn and grow and comfort each other through good times and bad. That was good enough for me!
                                                                                    - Jennifer, married six years _________________

What do you expect from your partner and from marriage? If you’re like many young couples, you may feel that you and your spouse-to-be are a perfect match and that your future life together is destined to play out perfectly. In your current state of pre-marital bliss, you may believe that there’s no need to talk over boring specifics about sharing a bank account, changing careers, or bringing up kids with your religion rather than your partner’s. After all, you expect that love will conquer all…Or maybe you and your partner don’t define your emotional state as necessarily blissful; still, you love each other and are looking forward to getting married. In your case, the two of you haven’t discussed your marital expectations because, well…you really have no expectations. You’re getting married, you trust your partner, and you figure that whatever problems arise will somehow be reasonably resolved.

Although you may think that the word “expectations” has a negative ring, knowing what you expect and want from marriage is a good thing. When we’re clear about our expectations, we’re much more apt to achieve our goals and be satisfied with the life we’ve built.  On the other hand, if we are unclear about what we want, nothing will ever seem good enough. Our desires will be aimless, and we’ll wind up constantly hungering for more than we have.

What Do You Expect?

Most of us expect our partner to love, honor and cherish us, or we would not ask them to take the marriage vows. But can’t loving, honoring and cherishing be demonstrated in a range of different behaviors? For example, being physically affectionate; showing compassion; being a good listener; taking care of you when you’re sick; respecting your ideas or plans even when they differ from your partner’s. Which of those behaviors do you expect from your future spouse?
On the other hand, aren’t there some behaviors that you absolutely expect your partner never to engage in—like spousal abuse?

Beyond demonstrating that they love us, and not harming us physically, what else do we expect of our mates? The following are some common expectations that come under the umbrella of compatibility. As you consider these, see if you can begin to zero-in on your own specific marital desires and standards.

I expect sexual compatibility and “chemistry” between us.

I expect us to get along on a daily basis.

I expect us to be able to manage an argument without “going nuclear”—and to make up when it’s over.

I expect us to be in agreement on the important stuff—like having (or not having) kids and planning for our future.

I expect us to agree on how to manage our money.

I expect my partner to care about my family.

I expect us to trust each other and to be there for each other.

I expect my partner to respect me.

I expect my partner to be faithful.

Overall, we expect our mate to be compatible in many ways—physically, emotionally, socially, and practically. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we enter into marriage with a long list of unspoken expectations. When we don’t acknowledge our expectations or share them with our mate, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise.

Copyright© Jim Bierman PhD 2006 All rights reserved

Jim Bierman PhD A licensed psychologist with more than 14 years of marital and premarital counseling experience, Dr. Bierman is also a certified parent evaluator who makes recommendations regarding the placement of children in high-conflict custody cases. In this capacity, he is recognized as a divorce expert. He is the author of the groundbreaking book Of Sound Mind to Marry:  A Reality Check from the Marriage Counselor for Pre-Weds. Contact:  drjbierman@ofsoundmindtomarry.com; www.ofsoundmindtomarry.com